Autistic children, or with other neurodevelopmental challenges, such as ADHD/attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and Down syndrome) often have external behavior challenges that can make parenting difficult, ranging from not listening to your directions, to major tantrums and meltdowns. Needless to say, the more intense the behavior, the more stress for you and your family.

There are many techniques available to address your child’s problem behaviors. But, it is very important to prioritize their emotional needs and development. There are ways to support your child emotionally while helping them to become calm during tantrums and meltdowns. That way they don’t get overwhelmed by their own behavior, and by others getting frustrated and mad at them. Many times, the guilt a child feels after a meltdown, adds to their stress, and then to more meltdowns.

Often Autistic Children Feel Bad After Having a Tantrum

She doesn’t like getting that angry or being that out of control. He may apologize afterward, or maybe you can tell that he feels guilty. Some children actually say that they don’t know why get so upset, and that they can’t help it. It can break your heart to hear how out of control some children feel.

Think about how you would feel if you were expressing your anger to a family member. Then imagine just being ignored, or criticized for your anger. Wouldn’t that be upsetting? What would happen over time if your anger was ignored? Maybe you’d feel there was something wrong with the way you feel, or maybe your anger would get more intense.

Over time you may learn to stuff your feelings, and no longer talk to your partner about your anger. You don’t want to get yelled at or ignored. This can lead to a build up of negative feelings that can cause all sorts of other problems.  You may become more irritable and lose your temper over minor frustrations.  And, how do you think this would that effect the relationship?  How would you feel about yourself?

When we don’t find ways to express our emotions in a healthy way, we can feel angry and resentful toward others, and critical of our own feelings and behavior. Over time, this creates more and more stress. And our self-esteem gets lower and lower.

Now, think of your autistic child. Maybe she yells when she is upset, or throws something, or hits someone. This is often because she has difficulty communicating what she wants and how she is feeling, as well as many other reasons based on her different neurology. But, she may get punished and criticized rather than getting the emotional support she needs. She then can feel misunderstood, frustrated and ignored. Her self-esteem can get very low, which then causes more external behavior problems. And there can be a great disconnect between this child and her parent(s).

When parenting your autistic child, it is very important to prioritize your child’s social and emotional development, and teach alternatives way to cope and express their emotions.

External problem behaviors can be complex, with a mix of factors that make them even more intense. It is extremely difficult to do this on your own. We’ll help you learn to reduce external behavior problems, while supporting your child’s emotional development and growth. Contact us for a free discovery call and find out more.